2 posts tagged “loss”

Chuck sent me a text from across the table tonight that said, "You look like you're dying inside and I wish I could do anything to fix it."

It's not specific, and though a person/people are the catalysts it doesn't revolve around someone, it's only basic, and here are the basics:

I'm cold

I'm ready to be warm

Winter is coming and I just really wanted...

You know. 

Chuck thinks I should cry it out.  He thinks it's good for someone and it makes him feel better.  It never makes me feel better.  I never cry so much as tears well up and then they fall.  I dread it so much that when they do it's like slow motion, complete with that whistling noise as they drop and a crash when they land on my sweater or my hands.  Cartoonish, in my head. 

Until recently I felt kinda scared and obsolete, thinking that nobody out there knew who I was, I mean really.  I don't wanna make a scene.  I don't wanna cry anymore. 

Remember Penny and Johnny in Dirty Dancing?  They weren't together, at least they hadn't been since they were kids, but they were best friends and loved each other. 

"Who's responsible for this girl?"

"I am."

The past 24 hours have been bittersweet but I will say this:

I feel loved, so fucking LOVED that I could keep breathing for a million years.  I feel validated, like hey, I exist after all, And I feel lucky.  Even if I feel lonely. 

This playlist I made is gonna heal me. 

"Lonely girls, lonely girls
Lonely girls, lonely girls

Heavy blankets, heavy blankets, heavy blankets
Cover lonely girls

Sweet sad songs, sweet sad songs, sweet sad songs,
Sung by lonely girls

Pretty hairdos, pretty hairdos, pretty hairdos
Worn by lonely girls

Sparkly rhinestones, sparkly rhinestones, sparkly rhinestones
Shine on lonely girls

I oughta know, I oughta know, I oughta know
About lonely girls"