3:10 am, Husker Du is playing, and I want to drop kick every mix tape I've made for anyone else into a vacant lot to disintegrate into plastic shards. I meant all those songs I strung together. It wasn't just for fun.
I'm going to make one for myself for once. Two whole sides of Chesterfield King stopped and started wherever I please, my favorite part when he traces the little lines along your palm six times in a row if I want.
Travis threw the birthday gift I gave to him in the garbage. It was a Jordan Crane book I spent forever deciding on. It was a direct reflection of all the things I love and think are important and I wrote a note on the inside cover and Jordan Crane sent a thank you note to me when he sent the book and Travis threw it in garbage because he said that he didn't believe in things like that anymore and it made him think of a time in his life when he was different. I thought for a second that maybe he'd do something like this, but I explained the notion away, why would he, how could he, there's no way...Ha. Fucking awesome. When I think of that book lying under a bunch of refuse getting soggy with coffee grounds and piss or burning and wasting, it hurts me so much. When I think of it...I want to open wide and scream.
I'm not the greatest or anything and I know that. I do care, though. I try to make this clear in several ways. I always hope people will notice but today nobody seems to. Today, the focus has been on the few annoying things I've done, wrong moves or mistakes I've made, and other negative or difficult aspects of my personality. And that makes me feel pretty shitty. So a huge sarcastic thank you.
I would really love it if everyone would just leave me alone unless they have something to offer. Because I don't care to offer anyone anything at the moment.
