9 posts from August 2009

3:10 am, Husker Du is playing, and I want to drop kick every mix tape I've made for anyone else into a vacant lot to disintegrate into plastic shards.  I meant all those songs I strung together.  It wasn't just for fun. 

I'm going to make one for myself for once.  Two whole sides of Chesterfield King stopped and started wherever I please, my favorite part when he traces the little lines along your palm six times in a row if I want. 

Travis threw the birthday gift I gave to him in the garbage.  It was a Jordan Crane book I spent forever deciding on.  It was a direct reflection of all the things I love and think are important and I wrote a note on the inside cover and Jordan Crane sent a thank you note to me when he sent the book and Travis threw it in garbage because he said that he didn't believe in things like that anymore and it made him think of a time in his life when he was different.  I thought for a second that maybe he'd do something like this, but I explained the notion away, why would he, how could he, there's no way...Ha.  Fucking awesome.  When I think of that book lying under a bunch of refuse getting soggy with coffee grounds and piss or burning and wasting, it hurts me so much.  When I think of it...I want to open wide and scream. 

I'm not the greatest or anything and I know that.  I do care, though.  I try to make this clear in several ways.  I always hope people will notice but today nobody seems to.  Today, the focus has been on the few annoying things I've done, wrong moves or mistakes I've made, and other negative or difficult aspects of my personality.  And that makes me feel pretty shitty.  So a huge sarcastic thank you. 

I would really love it if everyone would just leave me alone unless they have something to offer.  Because I don't care to offer anyone anything at the moment. 

Depressing_small

doom·say·er   One who predicts calamity at every opportunity.

I'm always happiest when I have nothing to lose.  When I have cause to be psyched, I fall into depression. 

At least I know exactly what I want from life, and from the people in mine.  My bad mood comes from trying to obtain what I want.

My mom says I create my own misfortune with my predictions. 

Example:  I have a feeling it's going to be a long winter.
   

"You're killing people!"
"No, I'm killing BOYS."

This girl is gorgeous.  GORGEOUS.  And I love any movie or book that flips over the smooth rock that is typical girl friendships/social interactions; the underside is usually teeming with cherry crush maggots. 

Is this film named after the Hole song?

Also, on Blake Schwarzenbach and related projects...Thorns Of Life was short-lived but while cruising their blog tonight I saw a post from the day before yesterday:






I missed the Jawbreaker boat, being such a little girl when that was a huge deal and everything, but I would kill to see one of his bands live.  I'm so psyched on this. 

I'm also reading The Picture Of Dorian Gray.  I don't know why I've waited so long to try and finish this, it's really good and has got me thinking. 

So giddy and excited about songs/music/words tonight.  I am stirred.

                                   "The night will go on, my little Windmill..."

                                                                   -- Blink 182

Please note:

Limit drinking through straws and smoking to avoid repetitive facial motions that may cause wrinkles

Dusk is the best time to gaze at bats

If, when saying goodbye, the feeling that this will be the last time persists, then it probably will be

One blue pill aids in sleep, two will cause grogginess and grumpiness upon waking

Some people are relentless in their indifference

I will never be able to settle for anything less than what I'm already conditioned to endure/embrace

"I guess I need to know what it would have felt like to be right." 
             --Texas Is The Reason

I allowed myself one day to be upset and that's all.  Tomorrow when I wake up I'm done feeling sad.  Crying is generally unproductive bullshit and I'm more upset at how bleak the future looks when I can't even trust someone's self-representation than I am about the person in question. 

Jessica gave me a card that said "Pretty One" on the front.  And inside it said:

"Dear Rachel,

I love you so much.  I will murder any boy who is mean to you."

I had a boyfriend and now I don't and I don't really want to talk about it. 

That was fast and strange.  Like, did that even happen or was it some dream?

I guess I have the mix cds to prove that it did.  Though I'm kinda wishing I didn't.

Sometimes it seems like the only people who want me are unstable, unavailable, or just not thinking clearly.

What kind of lunatic falls so hard so fast and believes everything she hears?  Oh but it felt so awesome.  For a minute there I felt so warm and safe.  I had this glimpse of what it could be like...

And to say I'm let down is an understatement.

I maintain that I meant every word I said.  I have to do this for my own sanity and strength of heart. 

I only consumed tea and fruit all day, I just chewed some blue pills and I'm feeling sleepy.  I hope my mom comes over this weekend.  I wish I was seeing Psyched to Die this week.  I wish I had places to go, I wish there was someplace I really wanted to be.

How do you recover from someone singing Gold Soundz in your ear?