3 posts from May 2009

"But I woke up this morning
with a piece of the past caught in my throat
and then I choked,"

I don't know what's wrong with me this morning, I can't catch it, or put a name on it, or stretch it's wings out to pin it down.  I can't get rid of this SICK feeling I have in my stomach, like something is wrong or rather, like it's going to be wrong.  Bad things keep happening, little things that are adding up fast, people are acting funny.  And I can't find Eugene, he's been missing, I thought I heard someone tell me that he was home now and I thought I leaned down from my bed and saw him, but when I woke up he wasn't where he usually is and I think maybe I dreamed those things.   

All these mirages are hurting my eyes and making me tired.  I wish that something would turn out to be what it seemed-  the prettiest, the luckiest, JUST WHAT I NEEDED.  Could this happen?  I'm sapped from trying sometimes.  I'm staring down the alley of LIKE I CARE ANYMORE and I don't want to go there.  I wouldn't go there.  All I do is bluff.  I don't have it what takes to go there.  And this is the reason I'm never as bad off as I sound. 

I want to wake up with exclamation marks, not question marks and ellipses

I've been neglecting my e-mail and messages and all those little things I usually do.  The notes and cards and texts and IMs and replies and calls and all those things.  I'm going to take care of this stuff soon.  I just need a minute.