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Chuck sent me a text from across the table tonight that said, "You look like you're dying inside and I wish I could do anything to fix it."

It's not specific, and though a person/people are the catalysts it doesn't revolve around someone, it's only basic, and here are the basics:

I'm cold

I'm ready to be warm

Winter is coming and I just really wanted...

You know. 

Chuck thinks I should cry it out.  He thinks it's good for someone and it makes him feel better.  It never makes me feel better.  I never cry so much as tears well up and then they fall.  I dread it so much that when they do it's like slow motion, complete with that whistling noise as they drop and a crash when they land on my sweater or my hands.  Cartoonish, in my head. 

When I opened my eyes this morning my synapses met at my stereo first because there was a song I didn't know playing and I wanted to know it.  I listened hard but couldn't make out any words so I attempted to escape from bed, fell out instead, and crawled on a rug burned knee and sleepy eyes to my stereo. 

Morning beautiful

It's well after 5 am.  Plenty of my friends are still awake but they're all guys who seem to think I care that they're sexually frustrated at this crazy hour. 

(4:05:09 AM) midpat: It was a joke dumb dumb
(4:05:17 AM) Nitro Mega Lamb: I get that
(4:05:29 AM) Nitro Mega Lamb: Just not in the mood for it I guess
(4:06:00 AM) midpat: Maybe that's why you can't sleep. Too mad
(4:06:08 AM) Nitro Mega Lamb: I'm not mad
(4:18:59 AM) midpat: Frustrated?
(4:19:21 AM) Nitro Mega Lamb: not just that but yes that's part of it
(4:20:28 AM) midpat: Listen to Enya
(4:20:50 AM) Nitro Mega Lamb: Fuck. That. Noise.
(4:21:24 AM) midpat: It puts me to sleep lol
(4:22:32 AM) midpat: Try Brian Eno
(4:25:29 AM) Nitro Mega Lamb: My problems are deeper than Enya right now, they're down there with Joy Division

And the worst part is I'm so tired and upset that I lack the skills necessary to relax and get some sleep when I need to, but I'd still rather sit up and listen to music than go back in there and lie down by myself. 

God, do I really have to spell it out?

"Just touch me like you know me, and everything will be fine."

This is the sum of all hang-ups this morning.

This reminds me of my birthday.  I woke up feeling like I'd swallowed a rough kilo of wet cement at 5am and made the decision that I was going to fix myself if it took hours.  And it took hours, but I did it. 

It's common knowledge that I come unglued on nights like this when I can't sleep, and I've been known to do/say things that only people who've consumed mass amounts of alcohol would have an excuse for.

I was starting to get down on myself, thinking that I was a slave to my past and I've let the things that happened eat me alive.  And maybe I'm not all the way there yet...but I worked through tonight all on my own without doing anything stupid or crying once. 

Here are my songs for the moment. 

"Sometimes I can't hold my breath long enough to get down to where Mr. Feeny likes to swim."  Cory, Boy Meets World

3:10 am, Husker Du is playing, and I want to drop kick every mix tape I've made for anyone else into a vacant lot to disintegrate into plastic shards.  I meant all those songs I strung together.  It wasn't just for fun. 

I'm going to make one for myself for once.  Two whole sides of Chesterfield King stopped and started wherever I please, my favorite part when he traces the little lines along your palm six times in a row if I want. 

Travis threw the birthday gift I gave to him in the garbage.  It was a Jordan Crane book I spent forever deciding on.  It was a direct reflection of all the things I love and think are important and I wrote a note on the inside cover and Jordan Crane sent a thank you note to me when he sent the book and Travis threw it in garbage because he said that he didn't believe in things like that anymore and it made him think of a time in his life when he was different.  I thought for a second that maybe he'd do something like this, but I explained the notion away, why would he, how could he, there's no way...Ha.  Fucking awesome.  When I think of that book lying under a bunch of refuse getting soggy with coffee grounds and piss or burning and wasting, it hurts me so much.  When I think of it...I want to open wide and scream. 

I'm not the greatest or anything and I know that.  I do care, though.  I try to make this clear in several ways.  I always hope people will notice but today nobody seems to.  Today, the focus has been on the few annoying things I've done, wrong moves or mistakes I've made, and other negative or difficult aspects of my personality.  And that makes me feel pretty shitty.  So a huge sarcastic thank you. 

I would really love it if everyone would just leave me alone unless they have something to offer.  Because I don't care to offer anyone anything at the moment. 

Depressing_small

doom·say·er   One who predicts calamity at every opportunity.

I'm always happiest when I have nothing to lose.  When I have cause to be psyched, I fall into depression. 

At least I know exactly what I want from life, and from the people in mine.  My bad mood comes from trying to obtain what I want.

My mom says I create my own misfortune with my predictions. 

Example:  I have a feeling it's going to be a long winter.
   

"You're killing people!"
"No, I'm killing BOYS."

This girl is gorgeous.  GORGEOUS.  And I love any movie or book that flips over the smooth rock that is typical girl friendships/social interactions; the underside is usually teeming with cherry crush maggots. 

Is this film named after the Hole song?

Also, on Blake Schwarzenbach and related projects...Thorns Of Life was short-lived but while cruising their blog tonight I saw a post from the day before yesterday:






I missed the Jawbreaker boat, being such a little girl when that was a huge deal and everything, but I would kill to see one of his bands live.  I'm so psyched on this. 

I'm also reading The Picture Of Dorian Gray.  I don't know why I've waited so long to try and finish this, it's really good and has got me thinking. 

So giddy and excited about songs/music/words tonight.  I am stirred.