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how long will you wait for me to come around?and wouldn’t it be great if everything worked out?
Definitions of Guilt
In psychology and ordinary language, guilt is an affective state in
which one experiences conflict at having done something that one
believes one should not have done (or conversely, having not done
something one believes one should have done). It gives rise to a
feeling that does not go away easily, driven by conscience. Sigmund Freud described this as the result of a struggle between the ego
and the superego parental imprinting. Guilt and its causes, merits, and
demerits are common themes in psychology and psychiatry. It is often
associated with depression. The philosopher Martin Buber underlined the difference between the Freudian notion of guilt, based on internal conflicts, and existential guilt, based on actual harm done to others.
it's a zoo lately. it's a fight scene, it's a bad thing, it's not
working out. no wait. a couple of things are working out. and for
those things, i feel terrible and conflicted, as if i don't deserve
them. instead of feeling happy that i'm desired or cared for, i feel
guilty that i made someone feel that way about me, because maybe i'll
change my mind, maybe i have a bad feeling, maybe a million other
things. as in, what right do i have to be human?
how many times have i baited someone into hurting me, just because i
wanted out, but didn't want to be the bad guy and take the blame?
or how many times have i gotten someone to go out on a shaky limb,
tell me the truth so that i could feel better about myself, knowing
that their feelings for me should've been left unspoken for only a
million reasons?
how many times has anyone?
am i really that bad of a person?
"what on EARTH could atone for all the wrong i've done"
and though all of this exists in my head/heart, i still refuse to
take the blame for all of the wrecks burning around me. at least i'm
not that off-kilter and intent on hating my own guts.
i'm out of sorts tonight. i thought i was fine. turns out.
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Monday, April 02, 2007
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i, robot, will never die
my
dog that we've had since i was 12 years old was getting old and sick,
and he was put to sleep at the vet today. i feel guilty, thinking
about the times i yelled at him or was impatient with him and smacked
him because i was waiting on him to go outside and he wouldn't go.
family dogs are so loyal and love you unconditionally, and they're
always always there to love you when you're sad. it's really
an awesome kind of love. and i knew that before, and i know i wasn't a
shitty person, so i don't know why i'm feeling like i neglected him and
didn't notice him before. i totally did. i guess it's a classic case
of regret, thinking we somehow caused his sickness and always thinking
we could or should have done more. i cried the whole day leading up to
it and all day today, and dad cried a lot too. he said he didn't know
if he did the right thing and was all torn up about it, and that it's
messing with his head. my dad loves everything so much.
<3samson<3
swiped taco salads off of the coffee table and took them to his lair in the yard
impregnated neighbor dogs until he was neutered
wore a pink lai to my 19th birthday party
put his tail between his legs and became very uncomfortable if anyone offered him alcohol
knew how to reverse out of the narrow spot between the couch and the table
only agreed to eat grapes if they were dipped in cheese whiz
protected friday and junior kitty while they were playing outside
buried bones like a champ
had a collar for every season and holiday
solved problems with gentle force instead of violence
loved car rides and going on walks, but he was having trouble walking these days
loved his family and most of all, Phil
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